New H!P unit announced!
Posted in Eyecandy, H!P & TNX on September 12th, 2009 7:30 by HenkkaTags: killer bitch unit, miki fujimoto, rika ishikawa, sayumi michishige, yuko nakazawa
(Originally posted on 2008/08/30, revised and made a shitload more readable on 2009/09/12. I don’t really ever go back and edit old posts, but this was the one exception I had to make. Thanks to CFB and takka for helping me figure out the initial details regarding the KBU.)
Yes, you read that right! There’s a new H!P unit, but there’s a catch: it’s one you really need to think long and hard on whether or not it’s a group you want to be a fan of.
Not much is known yet, but some small details that have surfaced so far are gathered here:
- Name: Killer Bitch Unit
- Members: Yuko Nakazawa (leader), Rika Ishikawa, Miki Fujimoto.
- Reason for forming unit? Obvious: Yuko, Rika and Miki are the toughest bitches who ever were under the umbrella of Hello! Project. The word bitch in this case doesn’t mean prostitute, but rather psychopath killer. For example, in the case of Miki, it’s a well-known fact that she has said she’d be a nursing home caretaker if she wasn’t an idol. This is because she wants to suffocate old people with pillows. Thus, psychopath killer. To go a bit more in-depth, here are the member biographies as told by delrey:
Nakazawa-sama is the leader. Her ties to the upper echelons of the Yakuza hierarchy provide a lot of resources necessary to fulfill this unit’s diabolical purpose. Where do you think the financing comes from? Up-Front? Don’t make me laugh. Furthermore, Nakazawa has been killing professionally since her days as an “OL” before MoMusu (turns out, during this time she was actually a gun-runner acting as a liaison between Yakuza and Chinese Triad figureheads).
Rika, or “the smile” as she was known as in her home town, always had a gift for causing pain since she was a child. Doctors and psychiatrists have diagnosed her personality as “a truly one-of-a-kind and extreme example of absolute narcissism with violent psychopathic tendencies” but this is only scratching at the surface of what Rika is really capable of. Her constant struggle to decimate those who pose what she rationalizes as a “threat” to her makes her a dangerous animal indeed.
Mikitty. While Nakazawa was born into her profession and Rika suffers from a psychological condition, Fujimoto Miki, on the other hand, does it simply for the love of the game. Using sex as a tool to lure unsuspecting victims, Mikitty is the definition of a textbook succubus. But, that is certainly not the extent of her talents. She is ruthless in every way and finds pleasure in making others feel small. She is a sadist of the most extreme type whose love of torture (both physical and emotional) is testament to the depths to which the human psyche can delve. Contact with her, however enticing, should be avoided at all costs if one values their life.
- Live concerts center around the main theme of KBU killing as many people as fast as possible, preferably with chainsaws. Doing this would invite new fans as well, such as S&M-enthusiasts, fans of extreme sports and all other suicidal people. The DVD releases would also be very popular amongst snuff film collectors: picture a sea of fans doing wotagei, the killer bitches, and an endless barrage of death. It’s a beautiful image. All in all, the live concerts promise to be a world of fun. Bringing your friends and family along is very much encouraged: it’ll be a bloody good time!
- No word on tracklists yet, but it is expected that all tours will feature heavily varied sets on every night to make fans more eager to come. It has been said by Tsunku that he will personally make sure each and every setlist will be one to die for.
The Killer Bitch Unit - a bitching unit of death, devised in the deepest depths of Hell.
Their music – crushing.
Their rise to stardom – devastating, monstrous.
The live experience – horrifying, disgusting, appalling beyond words.
They will annihilate.
Nakazawa Yuko, Fujimoto Miki & Ishikawa Rika
are
KILLER BITCH UNIT
Coming to concert venues near you.
Prepare for death.
You can clearly see the bloodlust in her demonic eyes.
Just try not to be nearest to her at the concert.
She is a true professional and the most experienced killer of all three.
You will not escape Yuko’s wrath.
She smiles an all-knowing smile.
She smiles,
for she is aware it is her who will put an end
to so many worthless lives at tonight’s concert.
Once after murdering a particularly large amount of wota during a concert, Rika got teary-eyed.
Just kidding, this was taken when she was told they had to cancel one of the shows.
Rika is a violent psychopath to the core.
“Huh?! A new concert tour for Killer Bitch Unit you say?! YAAAY~! ^_________^”
Training her puppy to be a merciless hound hungry for the blood of wota.
Reminiscing about her first kill.
She thought the doctor who assisted in her birthing was a perverted stalker,
so she grabbed his scalpel and stabbed him to death.
And ate him.
Squeezing Yossie’s firm backside is Miki’s well-earned reward for a job well done.
One second per every ten wota killed.
The last thing many wota see as their pitiful lives come to an abrupt end.
Miki likes to practice her killing methods in extreme conditions and impractical outfits.
“What was that? You want me to spare your life? Don’t be silly! *giggle*”
Miki proudly showcasing the tools of her trade.
“My kills tonight have been plentiful. I grow weary. Now leave me.”
When they were considering members for Killer Bitch Unit, Sayumi desperately wanted in.
However, Tsunku had already decided the group should have but three members.
This picture was taken before their fight to the death.
The Sayumi you see today is a cheap imitation.
Miki doing a little self-promotion outside, looking for middle-aged men to invite to the next concert.
Unfortunately the fanbase of Killer Bitch Unit has been growing thin as of late.
Rika is often not happy with the food catering backstage.
She usually likes to grab her dinner from the long line of wota waiting to get inside the concert hall.
As you can see, this particular unlucky wota was very much to the liking of Rika’s tastebuds.
Uh-oh, something is very wrong here.
We are outside of the concert hall, yet Miki still has a murderous look in her eyes.
Get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Countless of certain deaths grow imminent.
“Really?! You’ll attend the next Killer Bitch Unit concert?! Is that a promise?!?”
Existing pictures of Killer Bitch Unit in concert are exceedingly rare.
In this picture, found on a victim’s camera, you are able to very clearly see the kind of chilling sight you might expect. Miki glaring on, measuring her victims she will soon begin slaughtering without remorse in a truly gruesome, horrific manner.
At this point, it would be of no use to beg her for mercy; indeed, even though she looks on ominously, preparing herself for the onslaught, her mind is already somewhere else. Mentally, she is in a deep, murderous trance. She thinks of the fans merely as pesky, scattering vermin in need of a swift and utter extermination, herself the exterminator. If you see this, it’s already far too late. Resign yourself to your fate: your death is helplessly inevitable.
But it will be quick and to the point.
This is the best idea I’ve ever heard.
EVER.
It’s a shame about Sayumi, though.
@Wendy: Thanks! I think it’s a good idea, too. Well worth it to make it a reality.
Shame about Sayumi indeed… but what can you do? She consented to the battle, being absolutely sure she would come out of it victorious but… well, that’s life for you I guess.
=O…
You’re genius.
I’d have to think a lot about it. It’d be a shame if Rika killed me… So I’d have to guarantee that seat nearest to Yuko. It took you a while to use the witch Mikitty picture, but I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me…
But man, your blog’s identity crisis is over. If this isn’t “metal-infused opinions”, I don’t know what would be.
@HarimaKenji: Haha, thanks. Personally if I went, there’s no way I could lose. I mean I love all three girls almost equally, being killed by any of them would be alright. But still, Miki-sama is the one I want to get killed the most by. For a split second I would have the time to be glad for the attention she is giving me specifically! And that Miki picture had to be used, she looks just _evil_ in there.
Okay, this post is arguably the most “metal” one I’ve ever done. I was thinking that too when writing those image captions, I was going “…oh shit, this is going way over the top”. They were just getting more and more violent and descriptive with each one, but then I sort of mixed them up together so it wouldn’t be as obvious. But it had to be done! Though I did the Miki one last and also left it as the last one because that one’s just ridiculous, haha. It’s good to finish the post off with a bang.
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That would be one awesome specticle. With all these unit ideas coming out, I think this one is the best I’ve heard yet.
XDDD
This is pure genius.
Finally, something more amusing from H!P that doesn’t involve happiness!
I wouldn’t mind being wota-killed by Yuko sama…XD..
This is a great idea..XD…
I didn’t know that Sayumi is just a look-alike now…no wonder her singing just gets better…
XD…*kidding kidding* XD
lol… that was very amusing.
and i am totally in love with Gaki-san… but I don’t know how hardcore I’d be if Gaki-san were like Mikitty. Though I guess I do like the pissed off dominatrix Mikitty character.
very nice, henkka.
@midori: Hehe, thanks!
@Blackmager: I know. I’m getting sick and tired of this “happiness” stuff. I demand more death in my H!P!
@heachan: Getting killed by Yuko is my greatest dream too! Yeah, you’re right about the Sayumi thing. Sayubot already has perfect pitch but they don’t let it use its full abilities!
@Siggy: I love Gaki, too. She’s definitely my favorite from the current Musume. If I ran into a pissed off dominatrix Risa, I would be scared shitless. Just like with Miki. And thanks!
LOL
that was an hilarious entry!! nice captions to go with the pics, not sure about the convo though lol, I think I ll stick to my sweet and cute Risa WOOOOOOOHHH Risa!!!! =J
but you can definately sense the bitchy aura that Miki gives off, its totally kool though cause its such a contrast from all the other members
other candidates for the group could include Reina, man have you seen her eyes, you can totally see the bitchyness there, Koharu can turn bitchy if she wanted to and maybe Eri, she could be scary…
nice work henkka =P
Thanks ~shisho, glad you thought it was funny! :) Actually I think I want to keep my sweet Risa too. She really is too nice to be a killer after all. And I agree about Miki. It just wouldn’t feel right to me if she was nice. She’s constantly bitching to everyone about everything and I love her for it!
Koharu I feel would be too young to be a proper killer bitch, Reina… well, there is potential. But now that you mention Eri? Thinking about her actually, she could really be a killer bitch if she wanted to. For now she sticks to the cute/nice role, but really it wouldn’t be so far off for her to be a complete slut and a murderer. I’m not sure if she’s Yuko/Miki/Rika level though, but maybe she could be the opening act? She could run around like stabbing people.
Actually, Miki is surprisingly nice to cute animals, I believe she just doesn’t like human beings. That’s something I always liked about her, how her aura completely changes when you put a puppy (see one of the Morning Musume Best Shots) or a dolphin (see some 2006 H!M episode) in front of her. BTW, I guess if you went to their concert with a shirt with images of dead animals or something like that, she’d be sure to kill you in some specially nasty way, you know, for her friends. Just make sure she’s the first one to see you.
And I’d love to see Eri release her Dark side… She let it free once, Shabondama in Momusu’s Odore Morning Curry concert, and it was beautiful. I wonder if HTML works in this comments section? Sayu was another one with a well developed Dark side, many steps ahead of Eri’s actually (Sayu was constantly in her Dark mode during good ol’ Maido Ari news segment, and she was going against Yuuko, of all people…), too bad she already lost her chance to join…
That is true, Harima! I remember especially that one thing with Miki and a monkey of some sort (possibly Futarigoto?) and she was just so cute with it, trying to feed it and stuff. So we can determine she really likes animals but hates humans. So yeah, at concerts you could somehow let her know you kill animals… but if you feel you need to stay alive and that you don’t want to die after all for some unknown weird reason, you could try bribing her by giving her a basket full of puppies or something. I think she’d be too disorientated by them that she’d forget all about killing you. But of course you’d still have to worry about Rika and Yuko then… I read on Yuko’s wiki.theppn page she really hates bananas, so you could try fighting her off with those… but I’m not sure what Rika’s weaknesses are, if she has any. She’s one to watch out for.
Yep, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced Eri would make a good bitchy type. Sayu had _a lot_ of potential but… well, stuff happens. Rika was simply too much for her to handle so she had to die. But it was her own choice and you gotta respect that. About the HTML thing, I’ve no idea really… sorry!
Oh, the HTML works, I put a link to an image in my blog of Eri’s Shabondama performance just before I said that, I guess you missed it =P
Yeah yeah, somehow I forgot the monkey! That was a bunch of Dokyu! episodes that were translated, it had the thing with the monkey, a crazy English teacher and she had to draw a picture book… Her Dokyu! was one of the best…
Rika’s weakness is birds, she hates all kinds of them. There was an Utaban episode, I think it was her with Country Musume, when the hosts made fun of her for that… Take some chicken with you and you’re safe from Rika. So, chicken and puppies… You can’t fight off Yuuko that easily though, I doubt the bananas would be any help. But I guess if you just keep running you should avoid her easily, since she said more than once in H!Ms that her age is getting to her, when she had to compete in some physical activity.
Maybe, just maybe, you could make it out of this concert alive… But then, what’s the point in going?
Oh yeah it was Dokyu, not Futarigoto. My bad. Yeah, Miki’s was one of the best indeed. I liked the crazy teacher lady too.
Ahhh yeah, I remember that episode! But I just realized Yuko’s true weakness now: alcohol. So basically go in there with a bunch of chicken and puppies and a couple of bottles of hard liquor and you just might make it out there alive.
But shit, you do have a point with that last part… What’s the point then? They’d need to figure out something. Like, how about special merchandise being sold only for the survivors? For example some T-shirts with the slogan “I survived a Killer Bitch Unit concert!” or something.
I can’t believe I just now saw this post. I’d like to supply a couple of comments from my own demented imagination, as this is a topic I have often contemplated…
Obviously, this is the ultimate unit.
Of course, Yuk- er, I mean, Nakazawa-sama is the leader. Her ties to the upper echelons of the Yakuza hierarchy provide a lot of resources necessary to fulfill this unit’s diabolical purpose. Where do you think the financing comes from? Up-Front? Don’t make me laugh. Furthermore, Nakazawa has been killing professionally since her days as an “OL” before MoMusu (turns out, during this time she was actually a gun-runner acting as a liaison between Yakuza and Chinese Triad figureheads).
Rika, or “the smile” as she was known as in her home town, always had a gift for causing pain since she was a child. Doctors and psychiatrists have diagnosed her personality as “a truly one-of-a-kind and extreme example of absolute narcissism with violent psychopathic tendencies” but this is only scratching at the surface of what Rika is really capable of. Her constant struggle to decimate those who pose what she rationalizes as a “threat” to her makes her a dangerous animal indeed.
Mikitty. While Nakazawa was born into her profession and Rika suffers from a psychological condition, Fujimoto Miki, on the other hand, does it simply for the love of the game. Using sex as a tool to lure unsuspecting victims, Mikitty is the definition of a textbook succubus. But, that is certainly not the extent of her talents. She is ruthless in every way and finds pleasure in making others feel small. She is a sadist of the most extreme type whose love of torture (both physical and emotional) is testament to the depths to which the human psyche can delve. Contact with her, however enticing, should be avoided at all costs if one values their life.
I do find it interesting, however, that one particular character was missing from this unit. Possibly the one personality that trumps them all. A chilling and utterly frightening persona whose presence cannot go un-represented.
Ayaya.
Cold. Calculating. Inhuman. So exact is her method that she is often overlooked. A fatal mistake. Devoid of any emotional substance or morality, driven by an unknown force and absolutely DEDICATED to the object of her fixation, Aya Matsuura is possibly the most frightening and utterly diabolical force in all of H!P. Her calculated professionalism and ability to focus on her task makes even Nakazawa look amateurish. Her violent and accusatory personality make Rika seem like a troubled teen. And her chilling love of the game and heartless enjoyment of others’ suffering make her sempai to the devilish Mikitty. Make no mistake, Aya Matsuura is EVIL. She will devour your soul and mail your lifeless corpse to your family with a note that says “Property of Aya Matsuura.” She’ll keep you locked in the cellar of her estate on life support while every day slicing a little more of your flesh from your bones. Then she’ll feed you what she’s cut. And she’ll do all of this while also attending photo shoots, balancing her finances, and conducting well poised interviews. And of course, with that eerie smile.
And the scariest part is that she has mastered her craft to the point that she goes unnoticed, simply regarded as a “cute” idol in her youth and as a “refined talent” in her current iteration. Exhibiting unheard of talent at a very young age, she took the idol world by storm and immediately set in stone her place as one of the best in the field. Coincidence? Possibly. But, mark my words, behind that trademark smile and lying deep within those emotionless eyes is a madness that no human should know. The kind of chilling, otherworldly evil that knows no definition.
Yes, I fear Ayaya. I fear her because I am human.
@delrey: Ahh, right, Ayaya. Well, on the other hand I would agree but… really? Ayaya? But at times she just seems so… I don’t know, NOT like a complete murderous psychopath! I really don’t want to believe you on this, but what you say here about her is very convincing. Still though… not my Ayaya! If that’s true, there really is no good left in this world.
BTW, fucking awesome comment again. My favorite part was about Yuko having ties to the mafia. That’s awesome, and probably so true. That’s how she can afford all that booze, she gets a nice deal from the Yakuza thugs.
lol
I had a feeling that might elicit some strong reactions. And rightfully so.
But, remember, this is my sick fantasy. I just like the idea of Ayaya hiding something. She’s so perfect. A little too perfect, ya know? Ever since I saw her trial (Sukeban Dekka promo) I thought “Wow. Ayaya has some dark secrets. These girls fear her.” From there my imagination took over. I started having visions of her blackmailing Tsunku and the other members and manipulating the politics of fame to her will. Mwahahaha!
Maybe it’s just that I WANT Ayaya to be evil. She’d be so great at it.
[...] I’m very optimistic. Hangry and Angry is the closest to Henkka’s H!P Killer Bitch Unit as I think we’re ever likely to get, and it looks and sounds like great fun. I’m [...]
I didn’t know Mikitty is such a bitch. Can you give me situations or videos in which she acted like one? I mean, anything that’s translated into English ’cause I can’t speak Japanese. Please and thank you.
I watched her videos with Aya Matsuura. She seems nice and fun in those videos so reading articles that say she’s a bitch and all that just make me go, “Whaaaat?!”
@geek: Really? You haven’t heard about it? Huh!
I’d just like to clarify though that Miki is without doubt one of my fave idols of all time and I don’t mean she is a bitch in a mean or bad way at all, but I’m sure you knew that’s what I meant. It’s just the idol persona she’s had for a long time now. Hmmm… but honestly I can’t think of one specific situation now… If you just watch Hello! Morning, you should get what I mean. So mean-spirited sometimes! But in a loving way, I’m sure. :P
There isn’t anything specific… she just always has that evil aura, you know? To give you a tiny glimpse of what I mean, watch this OPV I found: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0micGWV_yI
It’s not purely “evil Miki” moments, but it has its fair share. One of the best examples in that is when Koharu is nearly in tears and afraid the guy is going to cut her hand off, Miki’s just laughing her ass off in the background. Classic Bitch Miki. :)
@Henkka
Yeah, I also researched on my own why Miki is a bitch. It’s all good, though. It’s really cute. I saw a video of her having a tantrum. It was hilarious.
Some people don’t seem to like her, though — which is a pity since Miki is really good. Though I would love to see her in more solos (or maybe more of GAM). Her bitch persona isn’t really hateful, it’s actually funny and cute. I just thought she’s like Avril Lavigne bitch or like those Prima Donnas from the West — that’s why I was surprised.
@geek: I’m going to take a guess that the reason some — not all — people don’t like her is because of that “scandal” she had with the guy she eventually ended up marrying. Personally I’m completely adverse to abandoning your idols just because they wish to have a love life. I’m all for it. If it’s not that though, then I’m not sure what turns people off her… she has a great, entertaining persona and I don’t think anyone can say she isn’t one of the strongest singers H!P’s had. I’d love to see more solo Miki too. Hell, I’d love to see her do ANY singing these days… ah well.
@Henkka — It doesn’t seem a justifiable reason to hate her. It’s sad if fans do hate her for that. I mean, she has a life, she can live it any way she wants as long as she’s not damaging her health or others. I heard having a boyfriend is a big “no no” for the H!P girls. Weird how they can be that strict.
@geek: I agree. I don’t think it’s a healthy mindset for a fan to have either. But you’d be surprised if you knew the extent to which some fans went after a “scandal” like that. I mean, “hate” is actually the wrong word to use… rather, they just completely try to ignore the existence of said idol and forget ever loving her in the first place. Well, most “fans” like that certainly don’t support said idol by purchasing any of her CD’s or merchandise afterwards, that’s for sure.
It isn’t so much a no no for H!P girls but for all Japanese idols (and other Asian idols as well? Not sure.) The only ones that can get away with it are the older girls or the ones who aren’t exactly “idols” anymore — best example being someone like Yuko Nakazawa (first leader of Momusu) who was just recently rumored to have a boyfriend. It didn’t raise a big fuzz nor was it made to seem like a “scandal” in any magazine to my knowledge. It’s just the crazy Japanese mindset we all love and hate.
WTF, Mikitty got married?
…
These things do get me worried sometimes you know. I’m quite used to having a dozen different “fandoms”* I’ve been involved to and kinda following them all to see if anything interesting comes up, and it all seems to work well most of the time, until I casually find out a gap. Usually a big one, like Mikitty marrying, a new Harry Potter movie that took me 7 months to know it existed, or RPG Maker XP which I pretty much skipped.
* can’t really call them that if I’m not a full time fan anymore.
Oh, and this is your best post ever <3 Never gets old.
Oh yeah, I forgot Cinderella! Mikitty in witch clothes remembered me, let me go watch it at once.
@phr: Indeed she did! Ages ago. You’re just a little bit late. :P
This is the best one huh. Alright, it’s something to aim for then, topping this one. ;)
I have a confession to make: I skipped Cinderella! I’m actually not big on H!P musicals, movies, stage plays or whatnot…