Beat Laments The World

A metal-infused take on Asian music & other stuff

Well, it’s been a while. wu has gone more than a week without posting, quite a drastic change from about fifty in under a month. Henkka’s busy translating for benefit of pageviews and glorious profit for nation of monotones, and I haven’t seen skald or Delrey around in a while.

So we come to this, the latest of my insanely long, occasionally pointless and soon obsolete lists. This time I’ve chosen to step away from music momentarily and focus on the other side of my formal training. Sort of. I’m a stills photographer, not a cinematographer, but I have a deep-seated affection for the art-form that is the promotional video. That said, I do have a slightly different view than some as to what makes a music video good. To me, a promotional video should be a silent film with the music in the background, a short film no more than a minute or two longer than the length of the song. I also look highly upon abstractions, concepts and PVs that tell a story without the need to resort to dialogue. This sort of disqualifies a lot of later-day AKB48 videos that may otherwise have stood a chance, because they’re no longer really PVs at all, but full-fledged drama episodes. Another thing I disapprove of is ridiculous amounts of post-processing work unless it’s in some way required to gain the needed effect. For example, the ridiculous sparkles in recent Momusu PVs = instant fail.

For a change, there are no draws in the top 50. This happened by accident, which is confusing, considering how many PVs there are in incredibly close proximity to each other in score. In fact, in the 84 PVs I gave scores to, there’s only one draw: between AKB’s Hitsujikai no Tabi and Momusu Sakuragumi’s Sakura Mankai at 66.

I drew in some help for listing the PVs this time. As I had no inclination to watch nearly 1000 PVs to determine the best, I helpfully found a way around it: get other people to do it for me. Sort of. I asked a bunch of people for recommendations and as a general rule got about zero. A few people gave me one or two. Henkka gave me about 30, some of which I deleted. So in the end I had to go through and watch a bunch of stuff. Of course, AKB were the most annoying. Any group that puts out 32 PVs in one year, not counting sister groups, subgroups, soloists or other stuff is really going some to annoy me. Even so, through sheer spam power, AKB have more PVs in this list than any other group. I suppose if you release enough of something you’re bound to get a good one eventually. For most groups I accepted that the vast majority of their output was shit, and then carried on thinking so until convinced otherwise, unless I could specifically remember something. Thus, SKE PVs were done entirely from memory, Momusu almost entirely by memory, yet on the other side of the coin I watched some PVs I’d never even heard of before, let alone seen, including a bunch by older groups like Hinoi Team and SweetS. However, none made it to the list so I could have better spent my time elsewhere.

This post will contain possibly a huge amount of “alternative” video sites, because for some reason some idol groups seem to not want to release their music videos online. Also one label which blocks us filthy gaijin from watching entirely. I may devote an entire hate post to them at a later date. So, if you have problems with Yinyuetai, Tudou, Youku or other Chinese video sites, you may not be able to see all of them. But I’m sure there are “resources” at your disposal anyway. Read more »

Maybe it’s time I finally whipped this out. Only took me a year and a half to hit “publish“. I’m getting better at this blogging stuff. In case you forgot, reviewing a concert H!P Metalhead style meant, first and foremost, to get drunk. The secondary, optional goal was to maybe write something about it if still possible. I wrote this in early June of ’09 but wasn’t happy with it because it’s a shit post. You can see I reached my drunken high in the first part and here I was basically just getting pissed off. But, in honor of it being the blog’s 3rd birthday today, I’ll go ahead and publish it anyway. Psh!

Another weekend, another bottle of vodka and most of all another look at the H!P Awards ’09 baby.

What will it take to get you to wipe that fucking smile off your face, Makoto?

16. Egao ni Namida ~THANK YOU! MY DEAR FRIENDS~ (Aya Matsuura with Melon Kinenbi, Atsuko Inaba, Yuki Maeda, Biyuuden, Morning Musume’s 8th generation, Berryz Koubou, °C-ute, Hello! Project Eggs)

Oddly random song choice or is it just me? Wouldn’t this have been exactly the concert where you’d just want to see the age-old classics performed one last time before being forgotten about? Right? Instead they went with an album cut from Ayaya’s first. Ah well. I suppose it’s in the spirit of H!P (and Tsunku): expect the unexpected. However, I’m a huge fan of everything-Ayaya so you won’t see me complain.

17. Hare Ame Nochi Suki (Morning Musume Sakura Gumi)

Though I don’t have much to say about this, it’s a performance I approve of. It’s a classic ain’t it? “I love you for what you are” and all that. Very good. Here, have an Ai-chan.

18. Ai no Sono ~Touch My Heart~ (Morning Musume Otome Gumi)

Errr… skip. I hope I’m not the only one who found Otomegumi completely inferior to Sakuragumi. Don’t both of Otomegumi’s songs just bore you to tears? Besides, that euphenism (is that the word?) “touch my heart” is silly. That shouldn’t be proper English at all. (Well, unless it was meant literally. But then this would be a death metal song.) A long time ago there must’ve lived an English version of Henkka, sipping on… brandy? What do Englishmen drink in the first place? Brandy? Scotch? Anything cheap that tastes like piss? My point is, a long time ago there was a Brit Henkka, coming up with new words when drunk. And he was doing a piss-poor job.

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(Originally posted on 2008/08/30, revised and made a shitload more readable on 2009/09/12. I don’t really ever go back and edit old posts, but this was the one exception I had to make. Thanks to CFB and takka for helping me figure out the initial details regarding the KBU.)

Yes, you read that right! There’s a new H!P unit, but there’s a catch: it’s one you really need to think long and hard on whether or not it’s a group you want to be a fan of.

Not much is known yet, but some small details that have surfaced so far are gathered here:

• Name: Killer Bitch Unit
• Members: Yuko Nakazawa (leader), Rika Ishikawa, Miki Fujimoto.
• Reason for forming unit? Obvious: Yuko, Rika and Miki are the toughest bitches who ever were under the umbrella of Hello! Project. The word bitch in this case doesn’t mean prostitute, but rather psychopath killer. For example, in the case of Miki, it’s a well-known fact that she has said she’d be a nursing home caretaker if she wasn’t an idol. This is because she wants to suffocate old people with pillows. Thus, psychopath killer. To go a bit more in-depth, here are the member biographies as told by delrey:
  

  Nakazawa-sama is the leader. Her ties to the upper echelons of the Yakuza hierarchy provide a lot of resources necessary to fulfill this unit’s diabolical purpose. Where do you think the financing comes from? Up-Front? Don’t make me laugh. Furthermore, Nakazawa has been killing professionally since her days as an “OL” before MoMusu (turns out, during this time she was actually a gun-runner acting as a liaison between Yakuza and Chinese Triad figureheads).

  Rika, or “the smile” as she was known as in her home town, always had a gift for causing pain since she was a child. Doctors and psychiatrists have diagnosed her personality as “a truly one-of-a-kind and extreme example of absolute narcissism with violent psychopathic tendencies” but this is only scratching at the surface of what Rika is really capable of. Her constant struggle to decimate those who pose what she rationalizes as a “threat” to her makes her a dangerous animal indeed.

  Mikitty. While Nakazawa was born into her profession and Rika suffers from a psychological condition, Fujimoto Miki, on the other hand, does it simply for the love of the game. Using sex as a tool to lure unsuspecting victims, Mikitty is the definition of a textbook succubus. But, that is certainly not the extent of her talents. She is ruthless in every way and finds pleasure in making others feel small. She is a sadist of the most extreme type whose love of torture (both physical and emotional) is testament to the depths to which the human psyche can delve. Contact with her, however enticing, should be avoided at all costs if one values their life.

• Live concerts center around the main theme of KBU killing as many people as fast as possible, preferably with chainsaws. Doing this would invite new fans as well, such as S&M-enthusiasts, fans of extreme sports and all other suicidal people. The DVD releases would also be very popular amongst snuff film collectors: picture a sea of fans doing wotagei, the killer bitches, and an endless barrage of death. It’s a beautiful image. All in all, the live concerts promise to be a world of fun. Bringing your friends and family along is very much encouraged: it’ll be a bloody good time!
• No word on tracklists yet, but it is expected that all tours will feature heavily varied sets on every night to make fans more eager to come. It has been said by Tsunku that he will personally make sure each and every setlist will be one to die for.

The Killer Bitch Unit – a bitching unit of death, devised in the deepest depths of Hell.

Their music – crushing.
Their rise to stardom – devastating, monstrous.
The live experience – horrifying, disgusting, appalling beyond words.
They will annihilate.

Nakazawa Yuko, Fujimoto Miki & Ishikawa Rika

are

KILLER BITCH UNIT

Coming to concert venues near you.

Prepare for death.

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Yeah man. Hello! Project 2009 Winter Kettei! Hello! Pro Award ’09, Elder Club graduation special. I’ll tell you the truth right now: I still haven’t watched this one even though it came out all the way in… early April was it? I dunno, I just never got the proper chance to. Hell, I tried! It just… I always got distractred and did something else. I know, I know, I’m a bad fan. So be it. However, today, my faithful sneaky little bastard readers, today is the day.

As today is going to be my virgin viewing of this concert (and hey, also probably my last — I rarely go and rewatch anything), it means I’m definitely going to make the most of it. And just how do you think I “make the most” out of anything? Come on, do I really have to spell this out for you? Alcohol! So much alcohol, my liver would explode if I wasn’t Finnish. I think I read on Wikipedia once that Finnish people consist of 20% vodka anyway, meaning we handle our booze a little better than others. Granted, I may or may not have added that bit in there myself. It should still be there though, it’s the truth.

In essence, this means this review will get worse with every passing song. Hahaha, typing that out now, I realize what an utterly ridiculous idea this is. God I love myself. I won’t tomorrow though. Tomorrow I’ll wake up, read this and go “You’re kidding me, right? I wasted all this vodka just to write this?” and then proceed to cry a little bit. And then drink more. The circle of life, friends.

Alright. I’ve already had a bit of a headstart in the alcohol department as should be obvious from the arrogant post so far. I dunno… When I drink, I don’t become a violent person at all, but I do become exceedingly obnoxious and arrogant, like I’m on the top of the world. Which is understandable because well, I mean, I am the coolest person on Earth after all. Still, I should watch out for that. My friends, this concert is going to be pretty damned epic I hope.

*a couple of drinks later*

Fuckin’ A! I’m feeling great, let’s watch some Japanese chicks sing and dance and cry while holding bouquets of flowers awkwardly.

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