Beat Laments The World

A metal-infused take on Asian music & other stuff

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(Originally posted on 2008/08/30, revised and made a shitload more readable on 2009/09/12. I don’t really ever go back and edit old posts, but this was the one exception I had to make. Thanks to CFB and takka for helping me figure out the initial details regarding the KBU.)

Yes, you read that right! There’s a new H!P unit, but there’s a catch: it’s one you really need to think long and hard on whether or not it’s a group you want to be a fan of.

Not much is known yet, but some small details that have surfaced so far are gathered here:

• Name: Killer Bitch Unit
• Members: Yuko Nakazawa (leader), Rika Ishikawa, Miki Fujimoto.
• Reason for forming unit? Obvious: Yuko, Rika and Miki are the toughest bitches who ever were under the umbrella of Hello! Project. The word bitch in this case doesn’t mean prostitute, but rather psychopath killer. For example, in the case of Miki, it’s a well-known fact that she has said she’d be a nursing home caretaker if she wasn’t an idol. This is because she wants to suffocate old people with pillows. Thus, psychopath killer. To go a bit more in-depth, here are the member biographies as told by delrey:
  

  Nakazawa-sama is the leader. Her ties to the upper echelons of the Yakuza hierarchy provide a lot of resources necessary to fulfill this unit’s diabolical purpose. Where do you think the financing comes from? Up-Front? Don’t make me laugh. Furthermore, Nakazawa has been killing professionally since her days as an “OL” before MoMusu (turns out, during this time she was actually a gun-runner acting as a liaison between Yakuza and Chinese Triad figureheads).

  Rika, or “the smile” as she was known as in her home town, always had a gift for causing pain since she was a child. Doctors and psychiatrists have diagnosed her personality as “a truly one-of-a-kind and extreme example of absolute narcissism with violent psychopathic tendencies” but this is only scratching at the surface of what Rika is really capable of. Her constant struggle to decimate those who pose what she rationalizes as a “threat” to her makes her a dangerous animal indeed.

  Mikitty. While Nakazawa was born into her profession and Rika suffers from a psychological condition, Fujimoto Miki, on the other hand, does it simply for the love of the game. Using sex as a tool to lure unsuspecting victims, Mikitty is the definition of a textbook succubus. But, that is certainly not the extent of her talents. She is ruthless in every way and finds pleasure in making others feel small. She is a sadist of the most extreme type whose love of torture (both physical and emotional) is testament to the depths to which the human psyche can delve. Contact with her, however enticing, should be avoided at all costs if one values their life.

• Live concerts center around the main theme of KBU killing as many people as fast as possible, preferably with chainsaws. Doing this would invite new fans as well, such as S&M-enthusiasts, fans of extreme sports and all other suicidal people. The DVD releases would also be very popular amongst snuff film collectors: picture a sea of fans doing wotagei, the killer bitches, and an endless barrage of death. It’s a beautiful image. All in all, the live concerts promise to be a world of fun. Bringing your friends and family along is very much encouraged: it’ll be a bloody good time!
• No word on tracklists yet, but it is expected that all tours will feature heavily varied sets on every night to make fans more eager to come. It has been said by Tsunku that he will personally make sure each and every setlist will be one to die for.

The Killer Bitch Unit – a bitching unit of death, devised in the deepest depths of Hell.

Their music – crushing.
Their rise to stardom – devastating, monstrous.
The live experience – horrifying, disgusting, appalling beyond words.
They will annihilate.

Nakazawa Yuko, Fujimoto Miki & Ishikawa Rika

are

KILLER BITCH UNIT

Coming to concert venues near you.

Prepare for death.

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1) First things first, the results from the latest poll are in! As you can see, it was a close tie between people half-not-giving-a-shit, crying their eyes out like the little bitches they are, or simply having a craving for that age old act of shoving your perverted nose in the crotch part of Sayu‘s underpants. In the end, the urge for the Sayupanties was too much and thus it won by a single vote. What greatly amused me wasn’t the victor though, but the fact that there were seven people who simply announced their will to die. A little bit morbid perhaps, but I like that. You have to appreciate the honesty!

As for the new poll (*points to the right side of the page*) I was too lazy to think of one so I’m letting you do the thinking for me. As you can see, you can add new answers yourself. If you suggest good ones, I’ll definitely use them for future polls whether they win or not. For now, I had to add two answers (Tsunku porn and child abuse) so it’d work but for crying out loud, don’t vote for the child abuse one! How the hell would I think up the answers for that one? I don’t know what kind of childhood experiences you had! Besides, all memories of parental abuse are funny, amirite?! In any case, give me the best (or the worst) you’ve got! I’m counting on you.

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Yeah man. Hello! Project 2009 Winter Kettei! Hello! Pro Award ’09, Elder Club graduation special. I’ll tell you the truth right now: I still haven’t watched this one even though it came out all the way in… early April was it? I dunno, I just never got the proper chance to. Hell, I tried! It just… I always got distractred and did something else. I know, I know, I’m a bad fan. So be it. However, today, my faithful sneaky little bastard readers, today is the day.

As today is going to be my virgin viewing of this concert (and hey, also probably my last — I rarely go and rewatch anything), it means I’m definitely going to make the most of it. And just how do you think I “make the most” out of anything? Come on, do I really have to spell this out for you? Alcohol! So much alcohol, my liver would explode if I wasn’t Finnish. I think I read on Wikipedia once that Finnish people consist of 20% vodka anyway, meaning we handle our booze a little better than others. Granted, I may or may not have added that bit in there myself. It should still be there though, it’s the truth.

In essence, this means this review will get worse with every passing song. Hahaha, typing that out now, I realize what an utterly ridiculous idea this is. God I love myself. I won’t tomorrow though. Tomorrow I’ll wake up, read this and go “You’re kidding me, right? I wasted all this vodka just to write this?” and then proceed to cry a little bit. And then drink more. The circle of life, friends.

Alright. I’ve already had a bit of a headstart in the alcohol department as should be obvious from the arrogant post so far. I dunno… When I drink, I don’t become a violent person at all, but I do become exceedingly obnoxious and arrogant, like I’m on the top of the world. Which is understandable because well, I mean, I am the coolest person on Earth after all. Still, I should watch out for that. My friends, this concert is going to be pretty damned epic I hope.

*a couple of drinks later*

Fuckin’ A! I’m feeling great, let’s watch some Japanese chicks sing and dance and cry while holding bouquets of flowers awkwardly.

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So hey. Today is actually my blog’s one year anniversary. Indeed, the very first (now deleted) introductory posts were put up on exactly December 4th, 2007. And so I thought hey, what better way to celebrate than with a Top 5, right?

I’ll let the secret out right away: it’s all Yuko Nakazawa this time. Yep, each and every single song. Still the leader of the Hello! Project for a few more months, to me Yuko Nakazawa is the Queen of Bittersweetness and Sadness in Hello! Project, so there’s no reason really to have anything but Yuko here. You know, while the joking around on Utaban about her STILL not being married was fun and all, it does kinda make you feel bad for her… and you gotta remember, that was years ago and there’s still no change!

I feel most of her songs embrace this sort of “never able to get married, experience love and live happily for as long as I live” quality of hers, too. The lyrics always deal with either lost love, Yuko not being able to find a partner, or, if she has one, her unhappiness with the relationship. Basically, someone is always getting fucked over. The exception to this is her latest single Danna-sama where Yuko is supposed to be the sort of happy, loving housewife… but you know even that is really just the lyricist fucking with Yuko, having fun at her expense. It’s not going to happen. Poor Yuko…

Without any further ado, let’s take a look at the five saddest or most bittersweet Hello! Project songs, otherwise also known as the Top Five Yuko Bitchfests.

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